Trust

In any relationship, trust is vital. Without trust things can get very messed up, very emotional.

K and I are in the 8th year of our relationship and lately we are having some difficulties. I moved out to live on my own, without (yet) exactly knowing what will come of this. It is getting clearer though.

No wonder she is already a bit low on trust.

I used this time on my own, to do a lot of thinking, to find out what my motives were to move to this appartment, to find out how I feel about myself, my life, our relationship.
I started to surf a bit on the internet, reading blogs that were appealing to me, mailing to a couple of the authors. I chatted with someone else and finally started my own blog.
The one you are reading now. (Thanks for that by the way!)

All of this, I did in private, without bringing it into my relationship.

Not because I wanted to hide it, not because I did not dare to talk about it, but because it felt like I uncovered a lot of things and ideas that are 'new' . Not new to me, but to K.
And, maybe the most sensitive aspect of it, these ideas aren't always easy to digest when shown to your partner.

If she should read this blog e.g. K might get the impression that I am someone totally different from the guy she thought I was. So I intended to present all that is written and shown here, at a slow pace.
I know that there is actually no reason at all, to keep these deep, sometimes dark attidudes and interests to myself over the years.
I know.
But things are what they are and you cannot turn back the hands of time.

Now what might happen if K would, by accident, stumble upon this blog and recognise some stories or even recognise a picture?
What might happen with her trust in me?

It is deeply shaken.

And it was.

Last weekend.

I used K's laptop, changed some postings on the blog and shut down her computer without clearing the borwser's history. She needed this history the next day and out of curiosity surfed to this unknown url that showed up.
And it had its effect on her trusting me.
You can imagine her reaction and her feelings.

I am not going to dig deeper into this now, maybe I will later.
We talked a lot, and we talked very openly. And that was good and reassuring for me and for her.
So now there is nothing more that has not yet been uncovered and shown. I am no longer covering up anything.
Let's hope now that out of this turmoil, a new future can develop.

K might be reading this posting too.

I hope she will.